The Otter Slaps at Noon

“Who do you think you are?” Sissy was pissed.

The disgruntled duck had been waiting 3 hours to use the public shower when a robust otter shoved her way to the front of the line.

“I’ve been here since 10 this morning and I’m fucking next.” She stomped her foot at the otter.

“No. I am now.” The otter didn’t even turn around to look at Sissy.

“Uh.. wha.. Get your ass out of the line!”

The otter looked up at the sky for moment before spinning around to face Sissy.  With one swift movement she slapped the duck’s mouth.

Joyce, the town’s gossiping gopher was exiting the shower just as the otter struck Sissy.

 

and this is going to be continued in another format with more detail, but for now I’m going to bed.  Night Bitches!!

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Fanny’s Degrading Pig

I wrote this after the autoimmune disease drama.   I was loaded on steroids and mentally fucked. I spent the majority of that time zombied out on my couch.

I was my own inspiration for the not “Dear Sir”:

 

I would write to you as ‘Dear Sir’ but the very thought of expressing a formal nicety to a pig, degrades me.

I am inclined to inform you I have heard your television blaring for the last three days.   I do not watch that festering box, but, I do understand the need to wind down. I enjoy poetry myself.

Apparently you have been winding down for days.  I’ve heard the same song played once every hour so it’s my understanding you are ‘powering through’ a season. This behavior is despicable.

It isn’t so much the sound of the box that irks me, it’s the thought of you not bathing and lying in your own filth I find disgusting.

I can’t help but imagine you aren’t wearing pants, that image alone is enough to provoke suicidal thoughts. Your couch must be putrid.

I reside in the apartment next to yours.  I don’t need your odor wafting over to my living space.

If you don’t find it within you to get of the couch for your own sake, please do it for mine.

Sincerely,

Fanny Philbert

 

 

I was watching Dr. Who.

I wasn’t wearing pants.

I did smell.

I was depressed.

 

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Sweet Friend

I broke my heart to grow a new one for you.

People have said to me, “Did you regret it? You had to know what would happen.”

When they break my ribs and crush my lungs, I remember him and I breathe again.

No, I will never regret the day I met that sweet friend of mine.

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Seated Bites

Judith’s grandmother was eaten by an armchair.

We don’t know how it happened.

 

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Everything in my head

 

 

I wrote this last summer and decided not to publish it.

Tonight, I read back through it and discovered I don’t remember feeling this way.

 

June 11, 2013

Write everything

Write everything

I’ve been having this recurring nightmare; everything I own is covered in sewage but it only bothers me.

Sunday I woke up feeling absolutely wonderful, it was easy for me to get out of bed and nothing hurt.  I thought about all the things I could accomplish and how maybe, I just had the flu or all my problems were attributed to some horrible food allergy.  I thought I could still go to work and afford my own place while going to school.   I thought this is never going to be an awkward conversation I have to have on a first date, I thought I will never have to depend on somebody to take care of me, I thought I’m going to stop crying, I thought my hair will never fall out again, I thought I’ll never worry what is going to happen if I get a cold.  I thought maybe it was all nothing.  I forgot about everything and started breathing.

I fell asleep watching television later that day.  I woke up unable to move.  My head was pounding and it felt like lead had been poured in all my bones.  My arms were numb and my fingers were on fire. I remembered my hair falling out, the rashes on my face and my mri results.   Heartbreak doesn’t describe that kind of disappointment.  I’ve been doing everything I can to keep moving forward, it doesn’t seem to be enough.   I tried to think rationally about it, I signed up for classes, I made arrangements to move back home.

It’s hard to plan for something when you don’t know or understand exactly what it is going to do to you. I may or may not be around for 60 years, I need to be able to afford a chronic illness, or,  what  if I need to spend time enjoying my life?

I want to snap.  I want to make reckless decisions and ruin homes. I want to carve my flesh until bones are bare.  I want blood to run from my eyes.  I want to lose everything I’ve ever been.  I need it.  I need to forget who I am and all the things I’ve done, but I can’t. I keep walking upright no matter how hard I try to crawl.  An iron spine taunts me and breaks my fury.

Please somebody tell me you care about the fucking sewage.

 

 

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I need to stop watching super hero movies.

Hey Phil- It’s me Sam.

I’m just calling to let you know I can’t make it in today.  That superhero alliance group, the one with all the weirdos in skinny clothes, .. yeah well they just fucked up my entire life last night.

First my cable was knocked out and then the naked green man threw a fucking plane in my bedroom. Good thing I was watching Letterman in the living room.  After that the little guy in tight pants with the arrows, you know the one, came running around the corner screaming about something.  I don’t know what he said because I couldn’t hear him over the airplane engine.

As I was throwing on my jacket and running out the door I noticed the Jesus haired one bashing in my car with a hammer. Apparently he didn’t care that the car belonged to me and not whoever the fuck it was they were harassing.  I told him I needed his insurance information and he just ran away.

Oh yeah, that jerk-off in the stars and stripes costume stole my damn dog. He said “This fella looks mighty terrified, let me take him off your hands!”

I told him “You’re god damned right he’s terrified!! Get off my lawn!” and that’s when he kicked dirt in my face and stole Terrence!

I called the cops to complain and file something, they just laughed it off, “Oh those guys!” they said.  Can you believe that shit?

This has been an absolute nightmare.  I had to take a cab to the motel six.  Now I have to call the electric company, the cable company and the insurance company.    I have thirty bucks in my pocket and I don’t even have any hope of a thing to spend it on.

You know what, fuck it.  I quit I’m not coming in.

 

 

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Lana’s New Smile

Walking down the steps outside of her apartment, Eleanor slipped on a seashell and rolled down the entire flight of stairs.  She shattered both knees and knocked four of her front teeth out.

Nobody knows what happened to the teeth.  Eleanor is positive she didn’t swallow them;  they haven’t come up in the toilet yet.   Her dentist,  Dr. Fatts thinks she may have lost them somersaulting down the hill into the ravine below.   Eleanor refuses to search there, she’d have to get on her knees and look.

Rickles, a puckish raccoon from the streets,  was perplexed when he caught sight of Lana, a beaver with a past,  sporting a brand new set of teeth.

 

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Snuggin’ with our Butts Out

I have this problem with laughing by myself in public.

Several years ago I worked at a salon inside Wal-Mart.  Between the hours of 6 and 8 the shop was  pretty dead.  I spent most evenings spinning in chairs.

One of the door greeters was constantly coming in to talk.   Having a social disability she was trained in things that were appropriate to say, I was usually asked, “Oh are you busy today?  Where’s Francis!?”

I’d respond, “Oh, I was earlier today, Francis had the day off.”  She would shake her short crop of black hair, stare out of dazed eyes and look around for a chair to sit in.  I had to come up with the things to talk about until her supervisor would come looking.

On an extremely slow day when I was standing outside watching the snow fall, she came up to me and said “John is in the wheelchair again.”

I didn’t know who John was and she walked away before I could ask.

Today I was cutting a guy’s hair when that memory came to mind.   I started to laugh.  The client had no idea why this was happening, he had a reasonable look of confusion on his face.  He asked how long I’d been working there.

5 years ago I was buying toilet paper and gum when I noticed a box of snuggies in the checkout aisle.   The image of a person wearing a snuggie being chased by a masked murderer flashed through my head.  The knife wielder was pissed off about snuggies.  He hated everything about them.  I heard frantic hoarse breathing and saw the terrified victim, their eyes wide with horror.  The snuggie would be flapping against their bare legs as they tried to avoid tripping over the front of it.   I couldn’t decide which image was funnier, the snuggie runner wearing ankle boots without socks, or the person being barefoot causing the sound of foot slapping on the pavement.  I was dying.

There were two people in front of, and at least three people behind me.  I couldn’t control the laughter.  I had tears streaming down my face.   It was the funniest and most humiliating moment of my life.

I called my friend Linda and told her about it.

Christmas rolled around..

This is what a true friend does:

Bare bottom blues

Bare bottom blues

 

 

 

 

 

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The Devil in God

God is the popular kid in high school who doesn’t like you unless you have the name brand jeans.

The Devil is the kid who sits alone and will be your friend just for talking to him.

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Magic Nudity

I’ve had a twitter for quite some time.  I’ll go a week where I’ll update it non-stop and then I forget all about it.  I don’t know how to find, and also, maintain the followers I have.

Of course I googled how to build up a following and one of the suggestions was making an instructional video.

I don’t really do anything.  I’ve spent my evening eating cookies, and I must say, I’m pretty good at it.

There is nudity, it’s just magic so you can’t see it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vb6UryfYQfk&list=HL1362635241

 

so um.. I don’t see how this helped with the twitter.

https://twitter.com/TheSnobbyCat

 

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